Going Back to Square One

NARROW MINDS


I felt the need to post my response to a fellow adoptive parent from my agency's online forum. She, too, has many of the feelings I've dealt with over the past years and months. I didn't realize how far I've come in my healing process until I looked at the words I had written to her.

Time really does heal all wounds. It's funny how that happened to me without me knowing it.

HER POST:

hopeful2Bmommy
Joined: 08 Jul 2006
Posts: 2
Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 5:04 pm

Post subject: Inner turmoil over adoption

I'm new here, and it is really difficult for me to write this post.

After the birth of our daughter, we learned that another pregnancy would seriously jeapordize my life. I've always hoped for a big family, so, I'm still grieving the loss of the biological babies I always thought I would have. But, my husband and I are now considering adoption, and I'm excited about the new hope I've found with Bethany.

But, despite being hopeful, I'm also battling some tough emotions. My heart absolutely longs for another infant. That time was so precious with my daughter, and the thought of never holding another newborn baby in my arms again breaks my heart. But, I also feel really guilty because I know that wanting a newborn excludes hundreds of children who need a home. Not only that, but I'm afraid that I will have to wait years and years for an infant, if I'm ever able to adopt one at all.

Then there's race. I feel so awful admitting this, but a part of me wants a baby that looks like me and my husband. I'm scared to death to admit this, because I fear that all of you out there will hate my guts for being so narrow-minded. I don't know how to feel, and I'm certainly open to evolving, and I know that God will eventually transform my heart and mind to where they need to be, but for now I'm truly struggling. I feel so confused...Is it horrible to desire these things?

Have any of you further along in the process experienced these feelings? What do you do with them? Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I don't know who else to talk to.

MY RESPONSE:

Your feelings are very common, but like myself, you're feeling as if they're yours alone. They are not.

I, too, had serious medical problems which ended with a radical hysterectomy two years ago. I was only 30 and we'd not been able to have any biological children. One small blessing was that my husband also had an infertility factor, so I didn't have to assume all the "failure" on my own. Even with that consideration, though, I spent many ragged months grieving our loss. I'm ashamed now to admit the true depth of my despair...even in my anger God did not abandon me, even though I tried my hardest at times to turn my back on Him.

I desperately wanted a newborn as well. I spent months trying to reconcile my feelings about this, since I also had a strong calling to the foster system and older children. My husband was also very insistent on having a Caucasian child.

In the end, we did decide we wanted a Caucasian infant; I felt a terrible need during the whole homestudy process to explain this to my social worker. Yes, because of our large hearts, we feel the weight of the responsibility of finding homes for parentless children--but it doesn't mean that wanting a newborn is bad. We are not selfish for wanting what we could have had biologically. I think this is the one stigma of infertility that we as women always have trouble with. Just because our bodies have betrayed us reproductively does not mean we're any less entitled to having a "normal" experience.

Myself, I would have chosen the "purple-spotted, green dragon" box on our profile. Race, culture or creed have no bearing on my ability to love and parent. However, I have a duty to my future child to be honest and realistic about the world where he or she will grow up. My reality is that my extended family, as well as my husband's, are all very narrow-minded people. I cannot, and will not, tolerate their prejudices at the cost of my child's feelings. While this is not the ONLY reason we chose the route of making Caucasian and Caucasian/Hispanic our only choices, it did have a factor in our decision.

As adoptive parents we are already battling society's ignorance about the adoption process and the stigma of caring for a child that isn't our "real baby" or "our own." We felt adding the additional insult of our families ignorance would be detrimental to the attachment process--and one we didn't want to saddle a child with. We know there will be enough questions and issues to deal with. We couldn't risk the heartache it might cause a little one to question his or her right of kinship.

While writing this, I also feel very narrow-minded, and I'm sure there are some very supportive people on the boards who may disagree with my position. But, I felt I owed it to myself, and to my husband, to be honest. And no matter what the feeling, it is OK, because it's my own.

Be tender with yourself. You will walk the path that God intended, just as we have. Your feelings are normal and have merit. Just make sure you are honest with yourself and your reasons and you will be led into the right direction. I also remind myself when I'm feeling unsure that we are in the process of adopting our FIRST child. I have no idea what plans God might have for us when it becomes time for our second.

Blessings,
JMT