Struck Dumb

If you stop by here much you'll already know how much of a fan I am of Nicole at Paragraphein. Nicole didn't just wake me up about what a self-righteous, pompous bitch I was pre-adoption; she slapped me full in the face with it.

The thing is: she didn't even know she was doing it at the time.

I started reading about Nicole's journey when I was very new into the adoption process...my dear God, I hate to think who I'd be today if I hadn't. There are blogs I read that make me laugh, blogs that make me think: then there came Nicole who changed my entire life as I knew it.

Believe me, I thought I was pretty in touch with my feelings, having been in therapy practically since birth. I didn't know shit. And the things I did know? They were shit, too, because I learned them from people with their own hidden agenda.

I'd like to take a moment to tell the people with the hidden agenda ~ the ones who took our checks with smiles on their faces and happy nods to the outlying crowd ~ to fuck off. That damn agenda ~ money ~ ruins lives. It ruins lives and sucks the souls from people needlessly all while hiding serenely behind a mantle called Christianity.

I'm not here to denounce God: I'm a Christian woman who reads her bible faithfully and takes almost everything to the Lord in prayer; but damn it, the establishment pisses me off. I'd rather give my tithe directly to those who need it than funnel it through a mess of bureaucracy for which I have no confidence.

It's funny: I started writing this post in tears because I realized just how much my words do affect those with which I wish to communicate. It's now turned into an angry rant against the people I feel deliberately wronged my daughter, her firstparents, my husband and myself. And the most pathetic part about all of it: those people are utterly clueless. Completely, fucking clueless. If I tried to tell them how I felt I'd get a blank, drooly stare. Then someone would offer me a glass of water and suggest I see someone about my unhealthy need to empathize with birthparents.

Anyway, this is the post Nicole put up about Icebergs. I highly suggest you read it.