Okay, I have to approach this again...

I posted this earlier today, and something about it is eating away at the "Free Rent" section in my brain.

Adoptive mothers are somewhat insecure of the birth mothers because they hold the biology.

I'm not insecure of Elizabeth's firstmom. Not at all. In fact, I have been rejoicing in the small steps our relationship has taken over the past few weeks. Not only have I found Crettie, I've also found Arthur! And I'm so thankful!

Here are some of my most recent "thought-provokers" to Crettie...do I sound insecure?

You always ignore me, but I want you to know how much we really want you and Arthur in our lives. Just because you placed Elizabeth with us doesn't mean you don't love and miss her...and we want you to have whatever time you need. I know it's all new, and I'm sure painful. And I'm sure you probably have a love/hate relationship with the thought of her being with us (which is normal) but she's SO DAMN CUTE. I'd give anything for a picture of the three of you together. Please think about this...OK?


*****************************


This is the kind of stuff I mean when I tell you I miss being able to share...when I get stuff like this I immediately think of you guys and want you to know what an awesome kid you have.

Love, Jen
_________________________________________________
Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 7:01 pm
Subject: tee hee hee
I probably say this a bit too much but there is NOTHING BETTER than scrolling down a thread and seeing little E-baby's face pop up on your posts. I just love the animated expressions on her face. Like Erin said you'd swear she just said, "Duh, Miss Erin." You may be in for it Jen! Imagine that face on a teenager!


*****************************


Not sure if you're avoiding my question on purpose, or if you're still thinking it over: you need to let me know if you want to see Elizabeth for her birthday...or before, or after, or inbetween. You know you can ask anytime. You DO know that, right? Both of you?


*****************************

I promise I won't overwhelm you with email...but finding you both, and now reading this beautiful letter has left me, well, with happy tears. For months I've had this disjointed feeling about what to do with how I was feeling about the two of you...it's something I just never expected. It's really, really hard to explain. Every day, I walk in Elizabeth's nursery and I say, "Are you waked up?" (I know the grammar's bad, but hey, she's a baby!) And she grins...oh man, she's the smiliest baby. And when I look at her, I see you...I see Arthur. I see blonde hair, blue eyes. I see a little athletic, strong, bouncey, vibrant, crazy kid. And I'm brimming with this feeling...this love for her. And because I love her like that, I love the both of you as well. The sacrifice you've both made, the trust you've put into us...I want so badly for the both of you to succeed in your goals...to have fun...to always be assured that we are loving her like crazy.

I don't think these are the words of an insecure adoptive mom. In fact, I'm probably dripping on the side of being too pushy at this point. But the reality is, I don't want to parent my daughter without Crettie or Arthur. They are Elizabeth's parents. It's my belief that by creating and maintaining an open, honest (and hopefully healthy!) relationship with them, I'm doing what is best for my daughter. Not for me, not for by husband, but for HER. I want Elizabeth to know her mother. I want her to know why she made the decisions she did and how she felt about her in spite of the way things turned out.

As Elizabeth grows and she encounters the parts of her personality that are obviously extensions of her parents, I want her to know and identify with those things. Like, for instance, her parents love music, or that they are avid runners...that Crettie has a deep love for wildlife. Without Crettie and Arthur involved...SOMEHOW...I won't be able to fully explain why she identifies with certain things. But they will. And it is one of my most deep-rooted desires for my daughter to feel like she can ask these questions and get up-front answers.

I'm not hiding Elizabeth's adoption in the closet. It's just part of who she is: and her individuality is one of the things I love about her. My husband and I are unable to have biological children; we didn't adopt her to take the place of the family we couldn't have. We adopted her because we wanted to be her parents. HER parents. We didn't adopt her because we wanted her to be OUR CHILD. There's a huge difference. By being HER parents, we accept the parts of her that are tied to Arthur and Crettie...and if they will let us, we'll wrap our arms around them as well.