On Coming Back, Administration and Understanding My Weaknesses...

Ohai!

It's been awhile, hasn't it? At least since I've posted anything worthwhile or made of Deep Thoughts? I'm glad I kept this place around because I have the distinct feeling I'm going to be needing it a lot. I'm making a life change.

Yeah, I'm going to exercise. I'm paying two trainers (Nick and Rick) at www.Flesh2Fresh.com who come highly recommended to look at my sedentary life and mold me back into something resembling a human being.

But it's more than that. This time instead of going through the motions I'm going to allow myself to succeed at something rather than immediately railroading myself into failure. I'm not going to make it about dieting or about exercising. It's going to be about me, physical activity, healthy living and allowing myself the happiness that all people should have in their lives. Self-hatred blows. It sucks the soul and energy from every single thing you do and I'm not willing to give it away anymore. I'm just not.

So I'm making a change. And I'm letting you know, so now I'm accountable. See how that works?

I spent quite awhile today doing some very unpleasant things like measuring my body and taking pictures at very unflattering angles. I had to take my rose-colored glasses off and look at myself the way I really am rather than who I used to be when I was seventeen. It's a hard reality. Denial is some powerful stuff and I've been in it so deep I've allowed one hundred pounds I don't need to creep onto my body. It's not only shameful it's demoralizing. I've lived through much sterner stuff to now allow myself to fall apart like this.

So I'm stopping. Taking back the reins, so to speak. I hope you'll support me. I can't say I won't whine or sound like a crying fat woman. I probably will from time to time. If I start wallowing to far into the shit and you think it's time to pull me out, do it. I'll need tough love to make it through this.

So now that my administration day is done and I've gone through some of my old, familiar routines I've already pin-pointed something I know is going to be a challenge for me.

Eating. Or, rather, making time or taking time for myself to do it.

I should explain. Elizabeth and I got up this morning. We both had cereal for breakfast about 7:30. I made myself my first life-changing day of Cheerios with some sliced banana and went light on the milk (skipping the sprinkle of sugar) and tried to start thinking about what I was doing as feeding the furnace rather than sparking the taste buds. A little while later I was convinced I was starving and ate a plum. I'm pretty sure that was a mental, but whatever. I'm not trying to win a race or anything, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

After giving Elizabeth a bath, her medicines, doing her treatments, working on some paperwork for my LASIK surgery I noticed I was hungry and Elizabeth was scavenging for sweets. It was a little after 11:00 so I told her we'd make her some lunch.

So I made her some lunch. And even though I was hungry and thinking of making myself a sandwich, I decided I wanted to get a few more things done before I sat down to eat. My one-more-thing mentality usually leads to ten more things and without fail it did today as well.

I finally made it to this about 2:00 p.m.  I knew I was hungry at 11:00.  So why didn't I just eat then?  By two I was really hungry.  A half hour after I ate I felt woozy from the spike in my insulin levels.  (Or that's what I assume it is... it always happens when I forget to eat.  Which is a lot.)

So if I sit down to  lunch late in the afternoon I'm usually not hungry for dinner and you guessed it, I don't usually want much then.  But about 9:00 p.m. I want a snack... and it's usually sweet and unhealthy.  Mostly because sweet and unhealthy is what my husband lives for, but I can't lay all the blame on him, either.  (I could go months without ice cream though.  For him the thought is next to blasphemy.)

So how do I address my terrible eating habits as well as a disastrous metabolism?  I obviously have to deal with this pretty quickly.  Otherwise I'm just shooting myself in my insulin-resistant foot.

Lastly, I am reminded of my own brilliance with certain things.  When I created my blog I certainly had no idea how aptly named it would be...