Nine Months

Dear Crettie,

Nine months have flown by like dandelion fuzz in a spring breeze. How on earth did this time pass so quickly?

Every month on the 29th I reflect on what the past month might have been like for you. Is the pain of E-baby's relinquishment still as fresh as the day you parted? Are you able to move through your day without the constant reminder of parenthood? The other relinquishing mothers I've talked to seem to agree that you don't move on from parting with a child, you just move forward. Is that what it's like for you?

I will tell you this: I haven't moved on...I'm still just moving forward. Every day I look at our beautiful baby and I'm reminded of the choice you made and how difficult it must have been for you. I wonder if I'm doing enough. Am I sending you enough pictures, posting enough video...or are all these things simply reminders of what you aren't able to experience? Am I causing more pain than joy?

Today something Elizabeth did made me chuckle: I remember the nurses in the hospital talking of your refusal of anything to do with needles or unnecessary 'poking and prodding.' I took E-baby to the pediatrician and she screams like a banshee the minute we start to get settled in the examination room. She's scared to death of the crinkly table paper; she absolutely refuses to have her ears examined. Our poor pediatrician always seems like she's having some complex because Elizabeth just screams the minute she walks into the room. It's funny how she does this, as the doctor isn't the one who's inflicted any pain on her; it's always the nurses giving the immunization shots. Anyway, it appears that momma and baby share yet another personality trait: disdain for modern medicine.

Baby waves to you everyday now. She sees your picture and waves hello. I wonder what she's thinking in that tiny brain: is she recognizing you and wondering where you are? I try so hard to let her know what you're up to, to help keep her connected through stories.

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you today...I'm loving you today. And I'm doing the best I can to be what you wanted for your daughter.

Love,
Jen