Ten Months

Dear Crettie,

Today is ten months. Forty weeks. Two hundred and eighty days. I could go into hours and minutes, but I think you've got the point. From today forward Elizabeth will have been with us longer than she lived with you; that thought makes me very sad. Until now I've always felt as if we might both exist on equal (or close-to-equal) footing as far as Elizabeth was concerned, but this milestone makes me realize just how fleeting time can be. I don't want her to forget the essence of you; yet I know she will. The sounds of your womb, the beating of your heart and the slosh of her amniotic fluid will be lost to her subconscious memory. Her infant perceptions will be replaced with experiences she's created all her own.

~sigh~

We almost managed to get together this month; something I think was a very big step for you. I'm proud of you for taking it, even though it didn't work out the way I had hoped. I have to continue to remind myself that this relationship is about Elizabeth...not me. Yes, I was devastated at first, but after putting things into a different perspective I realized I have my own issues to sort out that want to keep holding up the "adoption" sign even though they have nothing to do with you or Elizabeth. I'm working on them. I'm becoming much more settled.

It's almost amazing the way my perceptions about you have changed in the past month. Now that I've been able to give a name to my own hurt, that horrible, emotional whirlpool I was living in has all but gone away. It's left me free to rejoice in Elizabeth's triumphs, like standing, rather than wallow in the sadness of knowing you're not here to experience them with us. One day I think you will be here...I've allowed myself the space to let you breathe until then.

I still have a hundred questions. I'm starting to be all right with the possibility I may never know the answers.

Elizabeth is still afraid of grass. For now, we sail on Ladybug Island whenever we go outside to play. It makes me smile wondering how long the child of a wildlife buff will go before she can sit in the grass without wailing.

I'm still battling the lovebites. Discipline is a new concept in our home, even though we have no earthly idea how to go about instilling it into a ten-month-old. Ebaby now responds to the word "no" just as much as she does her own name; which shows how often I've had to say it to her lately. By the end of the week I fully expect our home will have nothing interesting or dangerous below baby-level, much to Elizabeth's dismay.

We still continue to miss you, pray for you, love you; every single day.

Did you like the footprint we sent you? Elizabeth tried to eat the Sculpey, otherwise you would have gotten another handprint. I noticed once I'd baked it you could see her little toenails in the toeprints...I wondered if you touched them in wonderment like I did. Did you notice her fourth toe looks square? She has such odd, little feet. Sweet, tiny piggies.

Please don't stay away too long. We've got a birthday celebration coming up soon and we'd really love to be able to share that with you...somehow.

Much love,

Jen