I can't think
I know it may seem silly to post this, but I'm having real problems concentrating; and that's wrecking havoc on my usual blog and forum activities.
Losing Sampson has been like having part of my body ripped away from me. The pain has been physical, and my body is responding as such. I'm having trouble sleeping, my dreams have been dark and scary, I don't feel like eating, my digestive system is gurgly and icky.
Suffice it to say I've spent a goodly part of my past few days bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I think I can't possibly cry another tear, only to find myself dripping again.
Sampson literally laid his head in my lap on days when I thought I couldn't bear another hour.minute.second of pain from my endometriosis. I think he may have saved my life, or at least my sanity. He always knew when I needed him...he never left my side.
And yet, I had to be the one to help make the decision to send him along on his final journey. And I am consumed with grief and guilt. I feel like I've failed him. Emotionally this eats at me, yet logically I know we made the right decision.
Oh, dear God. How long does this pain last?
13 comments:
(((((HUGS))))) Jen. There are no words to express how very sorry I am. My heart is heavy for you tonight. Praying for peace soon.
Hi! I know of your blog through the forums and usually just read but wanted to send you hugs today. I am SO sorry for your loss. My parents went through years of IF before adopting me and their puppy kept them sane, she was their baby for so long. They had to make the awful decision to put her down as well. Your story reminds me so much of their's. Praying for peace and healing for you. I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry! Please know that I am praying for you.
Lifting you up in prayer. Sending you oodles of lovin'.
When you do feel up to it, I would dearly love to see E-baby's birthday pics.
Jen, I'm so sorry. ((((((((HUG))))))) Remember I love you.
I'm sorry you hurt today Jen. And I just wanted to say... Your whole post reminded me of the way I felt somewhat with the tremendous loss of my daughter.
Hi Jen--
We lost our Micro to complications from epilepsy a year ago, and I'm tearing up just thinking about it now. She was there when Dan was trying to quit using (long before we met). She was there when we married, there when we moved, there for everything. Losing her was losing a member of my immediate family. It wasn't just losing a "pet" the way people say. The pain-- it lessens, in time, but it still smarts when it catches you off guard.
I just wanted to tell you I'm here if you want to talk about it. I know how it rips your heart in half to have to make the decision.
Hugs and Love--
Kristy
(((((((((((Jen))))))))))))
Poss. xxx
I so very sorry, Jen! ((hugs))
That's so hard. They are members of the family, after all. Take all the time you need, Jen.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. *hugs* to you.
I am so sorry! I can not imagine your pain -- I love my dogs sooo much!!
your in my thoughts and prayers!
I really understand what you are feeling right now - I really struggled when I lost my Daisy Dog who was my soul-mate.
I read alot about grief and grieving at the time and somewhere I read (and please forgive the clumsy way I will put this) that our pets are not ours to keep forever.
They have their own journey to travel and it was time for Daisy and now Sampson to continue on their journeys. Like all of us, I believe, we are here to do what we need to do, help who we need to help, love who we need to love (and of course, vice verca) and then when you've done your job (hopefully) move on.
I like to think of our much loved pets (or indeed, family members, as that is what they become) as kind of super-hero.
It broke my heart that I could not grow old with Daisy - had visions of us being 2 little old ladies together!
However, if you look, you'll see that Sampson is not far away.
Anyway, these are my rather cooky theories and they helped / help me.
As regards, your guilt - you should be proud that you were able to help Sampson when he really needed you most.
You had his best interest at heart not yours - thus it was a selfless act.
PS am a dog behaviour & owner consultant and husband is a vet - if helps to explain my rather indepth thoughts and experiences of helping animals continue their journeys and coping with the grief.
Look after yourself - your grief indicates great love given and received.
xxxxxxx
Thank you so much to all of you! Bless you!
Life IS getting a bit easier.
And Caroline, bless you for leaving that comment. I do understand what you were saying...I've felt Sampson had completed his job for several months. I could see it in his eyes and in his demeanor.
I can look at his portraits on the wall, the favorite spots in corners, and his treat jar now without reducing to a fit of tears. The last hurdle remains: picking up his ashes from the vet. They've called to let us know he's back and that we can come for them when we're ready.
I'm thinking of a memorial stone for the flower bed, which was his favorite place. I just can't bring myself to search for the perfect one yet.
Hugs to all of you who have been so supportive.
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